Can't We Just Go Back?
by Frankinscence
Summary: Songfic: Back To December by Taylor Swift. Human AU. Mathias left that December. He couldn't stay. Not after what happened but when he returns, how will Nikolas cope with the fact that he pushed away the perfect man for him? Oneshot.


**Songfic: Back To December by Taylor Swift**

Nikolas sat at his writing desk, rereading the letter for the hundredth time. Rereading the letter that Mathias had sent a month ago, the letter that was to spell out his fate. That was to torture him with the prospect of Mathias coming back.

He would be there within minutes, moments, seconds…

Knock, knock.

Nikolas was absolutely terrified. He took a deep breath and opened the door for the smiling Dane. Mathias was always smiling and Niko loved that smile.

"Hey Niko." Nikolas frowned a little, the smile upon the taller's face was fake. He hated it. It wasn't real. "I'm really glad I got to see you while I'm here." Nikolas nodded, he was glad too. "How's life? How's the family? I haven't seen them in a while."

The Norwegian started some tea. "Everyone's fine. But I'm busier than ever."

Mathias bobbed his head in agreement, smiling that terrible smile. "Yeah, me too. Crazy time constraints."

They made small talk over the little tea party. Weather, sports, work. Topics that had little to no substance. It made sense. Mat's guard was up. The wall between this shell and the real Mathias was thicker than The Great Wall of China. Nikolas knew why though. He knew exactly had happened to the Dane to make him fake. He knew that the last time they had seen each other burned in the back of Mathias's mind. It burned in Niko's.

Mathias had come to him, roses and his heart in hand, willing to bear his soul, but Nikolas had been cruel. He had left them all to rot.

On this visit he was ready to swallow his pride, look him in the eye and tell Mathias how sorry he was for that night. And he goes back to that December all the time. It was in nearly every dream. It turned out that the freedom he had been craving from everyone around him was just long days of missing the Dane and wishing that he was back, that he was the Norwegian's, not realizing how much he needed the tall blond. If he could he would go back to that day and change his own mind, just to make it right again.

Nikolas went back to that night in his mind and nearly broke down in front of the Dane, though he hadn't said anything he wanted to .

Mathias was leaving out the door. He got a smile. But it wasn't real either.

It seemed like years since he realized that he loved the Danish idiot. In the summer it was so beautiful, they spent nearly every day together. But when the cold settled over the north, fear crept into the Norwegian's heart.

Mathias had given him everything he had and more. All Nikolas did was tell him to leave. He said goodbye.

Mathias sighed softly, his breath leaving a translucent cloud of moisture in the air as snow crunched softly beneath his boots. It had been incredibly hard to see Niko again but Mat knew how to protect himself from being hurt again.

His hands were freezing and instinctively shoved themselves into his pockets. His fingers felt something odd though, there was paper in there and he didn't remember ever putting anything in this coat.

He pulled it out and unfolded it. '_Dear Mathias,_' it said.

'_Mathias I am so sorry. I was a horrible person to you. You gave me everything I could want, you gave me everything you could possibly give. I was so scared. You are so good, too good for me. You are the best person I know and I was such an idiot for pushing you away. I wish I had realized how much you meant to me. I go back to that night every single dream I dream and I cry.' _There were splotches in the ink on the paper, causing a pause as Mat read.

'_Mathias I miss your love. I miss your smile, your eyes, your tan skin, your rough hands. Your smile was the brightest thing in my life. You are the only right thing for me, the best thing I could ever hope for. I was so happy to learn that you were coming but I was also scared. Very scared._

'_I was so happy to hear that you were doing well but I can't help wanting you to be miserable, just so I won't be the only one. You've probably moved on. I understand. You really deserve to be happy. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. _

'_I miss your arms around me. I wish I had told you how much I loved you. I wish that I was brave enough to do so. I wish I could be yours again. I'm so, so sorry Mathias. I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't even have to say that. I love you so much that it hurts to even hear your name. We had so many amazing times together. Even when darkest of days came, you were always there for me. _

'_The first time you saw me cry, you didn't say a word, you just held me close. I never told you but it meant the world to me._

'_It's wishful thinking, just hopeless dreaming, but if you ever loved me again, I swear I would love you with my entire heart.' _

Mathias stared at the paper in front of his eyes. He read it over and over again, frozen in place.

'_Jeg elsker dig.'_

His mind was all over the place though when he found himself approaching a familiar door, he couldn't be surprised. A single knock and the door opened, revealing Niko, eyes bloodshot, nose red. He had been crying.

"Was any of that true?" Mathias's voice was soft.

Nikolas looked up at him, his eyes that were so hard to read were bleeding with pent up emotion.

"All of it."

**A/N: Okay so this is the one I was talking about in the last thing I posted, an hour or so ago. And apparently, it isn't on the list but I've been putting off this one for a long while! And since I finally did it, I shall reward myself with a good sleep tonight! Hope you guys liked it!**

**Please Review!**

**~3~ Tasha**


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